In December 2019 I had a very strong panic attack again, one in which I thought I was dying, that my end had come, I didn’t know if I had a heart attack or stroke or cardio-respiratory arrest. It came after a few days of relaxation, after the holidays. In fact, it was only then that my subconscious had managed to relax and bring to the surface all the agitation and stress it had gathered in an extremely busy year, in which I had pulled myself like an ox to the yoke.
All January I went to the doctors to find any physical problems (we all hope that it is a physical problem, rather than a mental, emotional, because you often find quick solutions to those, because for the emotional ones you have to work). And when all the tests came almost perfectly, I realized that the ball was in my hands.
In February 2020, I was preparing to leave again for my annual long delegation to California. It’s an activity I’ve been doing for 5 years yearly, between 1 and 3 months in Santa Barbara. My anxiety was at its peak, I was looking for activities that would make me stop thinking about that moment (if I get panic attacks on the plane / airport / behind the wheel, etc.?) And I found in a box full of dust my magic utensils from the time I was learning Reiki.
I smiled, I thought “what a coincidence”, because over time I threw away a lot of things that I considered useless in my modern, everyday life, only this box remained untouched. I opened it and flashes started to come back to me since I was using it, to feel full of peace again, Zen, I really don’t know when two hours flew away caressing every object in the box. That’s when I actually woke up. It was time to resume my work.
I went to the United States, took what I needed with me, and resumed practicing Reiki, meditation, and other activities that I knew but had forgotten.
How I started working with Adina Oltean in the membership
When Adina Oltean – The Consciousness And Guidance Centre started the membership, I was already convinced that this is my direction and that, although I really like what I work on my daily job, I don’t see myself doing it in 10 years, let’s say. I earn very well, but I work a lot (sometimes I successfully exceed 60 hours a week only with corporate activities). And it doesn’t satisfy me emotionally. In 10 years, since I have been in the corporation, maybe only once or twice I have enjoyed the results of my work.
Additionally, I wasted my energy on dozens of activities, smaller or larger, that actually brought me joy: creative reading and writing workshops with children from the rural area, children in vulnerable situations, creative reading and writing workshops with inmates from Timișoara Penitentiary (Romania), personal blog, review of books from the big publishing houses in Romania, I was coaching whoever needed it, social media management for whoever asked me… and all absolutely free!
And I went through all the possible ideas: death coach (release facilitator for people on the verge of death), life coach, Zen trainer, creativity coach… but I needed a kick in the ass to take a step forward to be a part from this membership. Because yes, in addition to being the person who gives Reiki to members once a month, I am also a direct practitioner and a member of this wonderful group.
I joined Adina’s emotional release program mainly to solve my money dilemmas. My aversion to money. I was earning a lot, but I was spending even more. Not infrequently at the end of the month I was borrowing money from people who had half my salary. But this membership made me realize that my problem was not really in the money itself, but in my attitude towards myself.
I was suffering from imposter syndrome.
The impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern, through which the affected people constantly question their successes and have an internal fear that they will be discovered as fraud. Why would people pay to work with me, it’s just so trivial what I do, they can learn it on their own so easily… why would someone pay for what I do, when I don’t have studies in the field, I don’t have certifications… Why would people pay to work with me, when there are so many other specialists in the field… But it’s not like that! Not everyone wants to learn, just as not everyone can learn to do all these! And that’s what I discovered in membership: people want to work with me because I can, because my style maybe is different from others, because I understand and see things differently than they do.
I was suffering from the savior syndrome.
Savior’s syndrome is not that altruistic impulse to save someone in danger, nor helping others in general. Altruism turns into a “syndrome” when we begin to interfere with the life experiences of others, out of the desire to help. Because no one saved me when I needed it. I was doing a lot more than I was asked to, I was putting in a lot more effort, for free, because I wanted to help people. It seemed to me that they needed my help to overcome a certain level and they all seemed to me to have financial problems and so my selfless help was intended to overcome the moment. And when they overcome the moment, some of them kicked me in the ass. And it wasn’t a kick in the ass to help me take a step forward.
Others did not comment at all, when they got to the point where we agreed that they would start paying me, they called me to agree on the fee. The balance was zero in the end, financially, but emotionally and energetically it was to infinite minus. I learned from this membership that there are people who do not want to be saved or do not even need to be saved. That I was stepping into their lives with my boots on. You know, it’s like in the parable, give a man a fish and feed him a day, teach him to fish and feed him all his life! Help is valuable only when requested and when the final responsibility remains with the person who was helped!
I was suffering from the indebtedness syndrome.
I always felt obliged to make those around me happy, but I resisted my spiritual needs. And that has caused me a great deal of frustration over time. I didn’t know how to say NO, I couldn’t refuse, for fear of disappointing those around me. Wherever I was, I felt like I was stepping on broken glass, controlling and censoring every thought, reformulating my words dozens of times before speaking, calculating my every move, wondering, at an overwhelming pace, whether what I was doing or saying might upset those around me. It’s complicated to be yourself when you’re constantly worried about how other people will perceive you.
And, when the fear of hurting or disturbing someone else is stronger than the desire to be yourself, life becomes much more difficult. Now I have learned to put myself first. I choose my battles carefully and stop taking everything personal, because I am not responsible for the happiness of the others, but each of us is responsible for his own happiness. My anxiety to please everyone – even people who did not accept me or did not necessarily like me as I was, made me raise very high barriers around myself and behave as I thought I should, so that they like me too.
What has changed?
I did! I am calmer, at peace, I no longer react (so) impulsively. I am more permissive with myself and I accept my flaws, I no longer try to eliminate or hide them. I am more relaxed in the context of my current life, with all the existing external pressures. I opened my eyes to the opportunities around me and still learn to use my resources and work for many years for my own good. I learned to overcome limiting beliefs and reflash my subconscious. I learned to get over things taken from the biological family and not apply the same beliefs in relation to my husband and son.
I can’t change those around me, nor can I change what happened in my past, but I can change my reactions to people and the past.
I couldn’t be aware of all these without Adina and her membership. At theory level, I knew absolutely everything, I read and studied hundreds of books in this field. But I could not internalize and adapt them to my soul without Adina and her exercises. I recommend this membership to all those who need an inner change. For me it was mind-blowing and I am only halfway through the work period, 6 months of work are waiting for me, I can’t wait to rediscover myself and be me, the real me!
At the moment The Consciousness and Guidance Centre is offering a 12 month Membership programme called Legacy Membership to Romanian Speakers only. The 12 month Legacy Membership for English speakers is coming in the summer of 2021.
- … you will find the tools and the resources that you need to turn your skills, knowledge and expertise into a profitable online service based business.
- … you can finally relax knowing that you are guided step by step, all in one place, in order to:
- … identify your ideal client – as a natural helper you have the tendency to help everyone!
- … create an irresistible signature offer aligned with your ideal client – when you know who you serve you know what to serve them, too
- … grow your community through social media presence and email list – the best way to communicate and nurture your relationship with your ideal client is through your social media platform and email list
- … launch your signature program – your raving fans will be eager to buy from you
The article was also published in Romanian: Membership Zestre sau cum m-am schimbat în ultimele 6 luni